"When i met my mom"

 

      When I arrived manila, my feelings are mixed.. A little bit of worried and excited. One of the reasons aside of looking for opportunity , is a also a chance to my meet my mom..

       I was 3 years old when she left me... And I will meet her for the first time from the many years that she left me.. I wanted to know her.. I have so many questions on my mind. " Why she left me? Did she really tried to abort me? Does she really love me? Why she is not reaching me out?"

      A relative told me that she is living in Muntinlupa, Alabang.. So I tried to find her. When I found her, I didn't know what to say, I feel like I wanted to hug her, and tell her that I need her and I still love her and forgive her.. That she don't need to explain everything to me and start life with her.

      She asked me, " Why are you here?" I answered, " Because they said that my mom lives here and I wanted to know her. I have so many things to ask.".. My tears fell down to my cheeks. She said, " You shouldn't come. This place is not good for you. I cant give you a good life here. I am poor."
 
     I felt that she was only making excuses. I felt that she didn't want me to stay.. "Go back to province, You should not be here."..I cried and said, " but please.. give me some time to know you.. Only for temporary"... she said, "ok"..

     But inside those days , I didn't felt love from her, it seems that she is not used to have responsibilities. She works for her sister who has a business of selling take out foods.. I sometimes work there, but no salary, only free foods and accommodation.

      But I'm not after for anything, I just want to be with my mom. But she is cold to me and didn't treat me nice.. She never care for me.

     One time, I experienced sleeping outside the gate for the first time in my life because she care more the house than to me..I was just from internet shop and came home late like 7 pm..and She was not at home and the gate was locked. she knew that I was outside and I was so disappointed... People looking at me. What if a bad person attack me outside?..

     I cried and I realized that she doesn't really love me..  Maybe she really doesn't like me. Some of her relatives and neighborhoods didn't know that she has a daughter that has disability.

    Everyone is shocked. She doesn't want people gossiping her because of me. Maybe bacause she is shy of my situation. She just wanted me to stay at home only and whenever she go, locked that gate and I was just inside with foods. .

    I felt like an animal... I felt rejected by my own mom.. It hurts so badly to know that the person who I thought can protect me, will be the first person who hurt and discriminated me.

    So I decided to go my boarding house in Novaliches. Maybe I have to respect her decision, maybe I have to understand her..

    But atleast I gave a try to know her and gave her a chance to prove that she is my mom.. But its sad that she only disappointed me and break my heart hope someday she will realize her mistake, she will learn to love me and accept me. Maybe if someday, I will become successful she will be proud of me.. I hope someday.''

"My first experience in the Manila"

      After the super typhoon, I never had a chance to go back my study. Lack of financial support and its so crisis in province.. My uncle who supported my study died from the super typhoon. I felt so hopeless.. I was so worried about my future. Also my grandparents are becoming old and unhealthy.

      My grandma is 83 and my grandfather is 79. Too old and i wish for them to have more life. Lately my grandma had lung disease and she had been into 6 months medication.. And now my grandfather also is not ok..

     Watching them in the situation is killing me. And I cannot accept that I cannot do anything.  My auntie is 60 plus she has small store but the income is not enough.  So I decided to go Manila to find job so I can continue support my grandparents maintenance medicines and needs, my aunt agreed to look after them while i am far away and if i got job, every salary I will send them money.

     First, they did not agree. They said that Manila is not a good place for me. So many bad people in the city. Its not that they don't trust me, but they don't trust the people.

     But if no one will move, then who will move? I cannot stuck myself in province watching them in a bad situation. I want to be helpful. I want to be successful so I can provide their needs.

     How will I know if I will not be successful in manila if I not try? If it didn't work for me then go home. But i can't give up without trying. I know its not easy for me because I have disability, but who knows?

      I sold my laptop just to have money for the trip..And I left some also for my grandparents.  It was 24 hours sitting inside the bus for the trip to manila. Got backpains and headaches,but that was ok..

     My first time to travel alone. Feelings were mixed.. A little bit of worry , and also excited.. I reached the destination in Pasay.. Finally I am in Manila!I was so amazed..

     I saw the huge buildings. I only saw them on TV. "How does it feel if being on the top? and able to see the glamouring lights of the city?" I saw big malls with many floors.."Maybe if i go inside i would get lost! too many exit! haha."

      I didn't know where I was but it says, Makati. Then I realized that I have nowhere to stay," Where will I go now?".. I saw the buses going to Novaliches. I ride the bus, and I fell asleep on the bus.. Maybe because I was tired.

     When I woke, I turned my head around. Gosh! I realized that I was alone in the bus. So  get I off with my bagpack. I didn't know where I was. I was very tired, and I just needed a place to sleep. I saw a Sogo hotel to sleepover.

     On the next day,I walked around and observed the people.. I realized that I am in the city of Novaliches, in the north part of Quezon city, I ate just burgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...

     I stayed two nights in the hotel before I found the affordable accommodation.. I got a solo room in a boarding house, kitchen and 3 bathrooms are outside the room.. At least safe and affordable.

    I got new friends around. They are nice to me.. So many things to learn from them.. And i am enjoying it so far...I hope to learn more and find great opportunities. Good luck to me.

" i learned to walk, stand, and be strong"

    It was my grandparents took care of me since I was a baby coz my mom left me. They are worried if I cannot walk because of my club feet. The bones are not in a good position.

     We lived in a mountain province, far from city and its not civilized. There was no near hospital or doctor to check up for my feet situation. We only have native doctor in province. So I never had opportunity to go operation.

     My grandparents had a very long patients to take care of me and taught me to walk with just using slippers. It took sometime for me to learn to walk. I was always sad because i cannot wear shoes. whenever I fell down, my grandpa always says, "stand up."and that's how i learnt to walk.
   
     When I used to be a pupil, I used to cry always because some classmates bullied me. "Whats wrong with your feet?! They are so ugly!".. It hurts me a lot.. I felt so different..and sometimes they get something from me and ran.... but I couldn't run as fast as them so they just laughed at me.. So i went home crying.

      My grandpa hates to see me crying.. He said," Stop crying. Why are you crying? Are you a looser?...Don't let anyone step on u .. Its not always every time we can protect you as we are getting old. You have to learn how to defend yourself! Show them you my grand daughter.. Go! Beat them."..

     It is my grandparents who taught me how to walk, stand up, and be strong. Without them, I am nothing. So that's how I grew tough.

     Wherever I go I'm not afraid. I'm now at Manila for the first time and alone. Looking for job. I don't know what life is waiting for me here. But I always hope to get a job soon and be successful so i can save money for my future business. This will be another journey of my life..

"my first love turns to be my first heartbroken"

    In this life, falling inlove is natural. Its part of growing up..as a human being its natural to develop feeling or emotions to the people around us and feel attraction to the opposite sex. But its not a sign of weakness.. It turns to become a weakness when we are afraid to face our own feelings.

     I remember my first love, he used to be my crush.. I had suitors but I rejected them all for him.. I've been having the feelings for him for 4 years.. That's how I realized that it's love.. but he didn't knew about it ,he just knew me as a good friend who was always there for him those times he needed me..

     But when he got a girlfriend, it really hurts so badly.. especially when I heard him saying that he cannot fall inlove with me because of my feet. I felt rejected. i felt discriminated. I then realized that what I felt was not good for me because I fell inlove to a wrong guy.. Then I finally decided to move on..In every heartaches, I learnt.

     Some broken hearted people always say that, they don't want to fall inlove again coz sometimes it hurts. Some also people say that its just a distraction. But the truth is... They are just afraid of their own selves. They know that they cannot handle such great emotions...

     It's ok to fall inlove but you have to learn have to balance your mind and your heart.. If you feel that you are having too much emotions, give yourself a break....

    Sometimes you have to use your mind in choosing the right person. Never let your heart rule over your mind. You have to figure out whats good for you. If you finally learn how to balance your mind and heart then you will not be afraid anymore to fall inlove..

     Dont be afraid of failures.. Because we also learn from it. The more we experience, the more we develop, the more we become tough and stronger.

"The struggle"

 
      When I was young, I used to asked my grandmother , " Why my feet are different?" she smiled to me and said, "Because you are special, your feet are amazing, they are from God. It means you have something that they don't have. So don't be shy. Be proud of it." It is always on my mind. It gives me confidence. So i got friends from school and used to be a good student.

       But we live far from school.We live in mountain. I have to walk few miles away from home to school everyday. Even rainy days , I struggled just to get perfect attendance. I didn't have shoes, I only wear slippers. Balancing is difficult when its slippery specially when its muddy. But i still able to graduate grade school and high school.

      Sometimes I hate my mom why she tried to abort me left me when I was 3 years old. Sometimes I hate my dad, why he left me just to marry another women and did not care for me anymore. But that's life. Sometimes not fair.

      The truth is I've never experienced love from my parents. I always wished to have a complete family but it didn't happen.

     Lucky those children who has responsible parents and they only take it for granted. Lucky those children who has given a chance to study in good school and university but they are not studying well.

     Maybe what happened is also good for me. I grow strong and independent. Maybe if i grew up with parents I am not who I am now. Somehow I already accept what happened and I learnt to understand that things need to happen.

     Best to do is to value people who give real love. Create good memories with them. Make them smile the best I can.
 

     I'm always lucky to have loving grandparents who are always there for me and never gave up loving and understanding  me. So when I became successful someday, I hope it will not be too late.. I would like to dedicate them best I have coz I know they deserve it.

"one of my dreams"

     I came from a poor family. My dad is a farmer, and my mom is just a housewife. My mom left me since i was 3 years old and my dad, he married another woman. So it was my grandparents took care of me.

      My feet are not normal. I have club feet. And its difficult for me to walk sometime specially on rainy days.

     I was not able to finish my first year in college since after the supertyphoon yolanda 2013. I took computer science major in programming(undergraduate). I lost my uncle who supported for my study and some family members. So i took my responsibility to take care of my grandparents.
 

     Inside 3 years i stayed in province. I was always scared. But then i realized that life doesn't stop there. I have to face my fears to achieve my dreams.

      One of my dreams is to have own business in province. I have a good idea about making pizza business. I want to buy an oven for making pizza and breads. So people wont have to travel to city just to buy breads. I can sell for per slices of pizza so the people can afford to buy.

      I need to search about the things that are needed to do and the ingredients for making flavors.and i know starting a business is not easy. It needs capital. I don't have enough money.

      My auntie and cousins they earned not enough. So i took risks to go manila for the first time to find job so i can start saving. But its not easy here.

      Without good education I cannot get a better job. I cannot do too much physical work because my feet are not too strong and I grow heavier.

     But i'm waking up everyday with hopes. I hope that someday i could achieve my dreams.

I realized that I'm still lucky

   Today i saw an old woman sleeping on the street. My heart is melt. I gave her food. I realized that i'm still lucky because i still have home to live. And everyday i wake up with hope in my heart.

    I show people that i am strong. But the truth is i also feel pain. I have club feet. It is a congenital deformed. Both are twisted so that the sole cannot be placed flat on the ground.  I cannot wear normal shoes. I used slippers for walking.
 

   Its difficult to walk especially on rainy days coz it's slippery and sometimes i loss balance. And when i grow older my bones becoming weak. I feel pain and heavy so i am not allowed to go fat. i cant imagine myself when i reach 60 years old. Not sure if i could still walk coz i know in that ages some old people are suffering arthritis. But even in my situation I'm not loosing hope.
 
    I still try to be happy and live normal. Someone like me has also a dream and that's to get job or have own business and try to be helpful to my grandparents. settle down with a good man and have own family.

    But life is not easy for me. its my first time in the city alone. I meet different type of people. It hurts when some people cannot accept me. Mostly I experienced discrimination in finding job. I cannot work as a saleslady for its a long standing and i cannot work as a waitress coz sometimes i loss balance.

   Somehow i'm still practicing my communication skills coz i want to work in a call center for in this field there will be no discrimination as long as i can communicate well.

    I believe that everything happens for a reason. i survived from the super typhoon 2013. I was given a chance to live again. Maybe to inspire people . That's why when a good friend proposed me a help to learn about bitcoin, i accepted. why not? its a good start to share experiences and to inspire people.